Ways Of Perfect Relationship
Never underestimate the power to make a few small, simple changes in your relationship in order to develop the skills necessary for your love to flourish for years to come.
I have a perfect marriage and the truth is, I bet you do too, depending how you look at it. The thing is, real relationships aren’t always easy. In fact, that’s probably a gross understatement … they can be unbearably heavy. In a very healthy and happy relationship full of love and a lot of beautiful photos, there are still conflicts. Conflict is normal. I think the difference between “perfect” relationships and those that fail is how we deal with difficult times and what expectations we have of the partnership.
You see, I fell deeply in love with the man I would no doubt consider my life, the man who is now my husband. As so often, the first few months felt like a drug-induced high of epic proportions, filled with intense feelings of love and passion. We are still at our peak but have certainly felt the normality of real life and had to face the reality of conflicts within our marriage. I don’t think anyone is exempt from this. So take off some pressure and know that you and your partner are not alone.
True “perfect” love is not without flaws, just as life is not without constant mistakes and learning. As a partner, we’re going to screw it up. We will hurt one another and say terrible things out of anger. We’ll likely break promises and tell lies. Some of us will even have infidelity and break our vows. These things are not what makes or break the marriage, but what we do with them and how we deal with these mistakes determine how “perfect” our marriage is. In the everyday moments, we create habits together that can build a love that is unbreakable and withstands the storms that inevitably arise from time to time.
And what is perfect anyway? I mean, what a perfect relationship means to me is most likely not the same as your ideal. So much of our perceived idea of perfect is defined based on our expectations. Expectations of what life should be like. What would happen if we changed our expectations to something more realistic and achievable? If I tell you that conflict is normal in a relationship, does that even change your point of view? Perhaps we all need to take a step back from the present moment and see our relationship as a whole in its entirety. Instead of focusing on each disagreement as evidence of our mistakes, what if we saw the bigger picture through a more positive lens, showing a colorful life filled with all of its experiences and insights. A change in perception is sometimes all that is needed to change the respect we have for what we have built together and how truly happy we are.
What are your daily habits to help you weather these storms? What love acts do you convey to each other to strengthen your bond? It is these actions that can act as a prevention against the really tough things and can act as armor when times get really tough.
Never underestimate the power to make a few small, simple changes in your relationship in order to develop the skills necessary for your love to flourish for years to come. It can be overwhelming to think that we have to use grandiose romantic gestures to transform the entire relationship to make it “perfect”. A much simpler and frankly much more effective approach is to make small changes frequently. Small acts of love cost little to no time or money, but can reconnect a couple immediately. Something as small as a stolen look, a quick shoulder massage, or a kiss on the neck can remind your partner that you are more than just roommates in this world and that you are loved and supported.
I often get clients to start with some of the simplest yet useful Gottman tools to get them to reconnect and build their resilience to the troubled times. My favorite exercises are often love mapping and the weekly “State of Affairs” meeting. It is crucial to start small and slowly find new, authentic ways in which couples connect, communicate and develop deeper understanding and